As parents, everything you do or say around our kids has some sort of influence on them. Whether it’s positive or negative, whether we realize it or not, whether it manifests immediately or later down their life, they are always observing, absorbing, and shaping their thoughts and behavior according to your influence and many other external forces: school, friends, media, etc.
Like all parents, you want to be the best influence on your kids, but sometimes, we make mistakes that can cause them to rebel. Especially during the teenage phase, kids can start showing signs of bullying, substance abuse, failing grades, and/or staying away from home. These are all signs of rebellion against the morals, values, and principles that we genuinely want to instill for their benefit.
It is common for parents to use an approach opposite to what their parents used on them. If a parent was overly protected as a child, they try to go with the easy lay-back approach with their children. On the other hand, if the parents felt they were left to be too independent at some point during their childhood, they will try to be more involved and sometimes over-protect their children. Both ends of the spectrum can backfire, and we need to find the right balance if we want to influence our children in a positive manner.
Here are a list of 3 rules for parents to follow if you want to positively influence your kids while avoiding rebellion:
Set The Rules
Once we have defined what discipline means to our family, we need to convert that concept to household rules. Rather than hard-set rules, we believe it is more effective for parents to come up with family guiding principles and guidelines that can be applied to various situations for positive decision making rather than trying to come up with a specific rule for every little single thing. Higher level guiding principles can apply broadly across many areas of life and be a framework that can guide the entire family to make decisions that benefit themselves and others.
Keep them short, concise, and straight to the point, without expanding with unnecessary explanation. If your children gets to know these rules naturally as part of the family system, it will be harder for them to rebel. Furthermore, if you include them in the decision making process, they will have a better understanding about the do’s and don’ts but more importantly, the why’s. The more involved your kids feel about establishing guiding family principles and guidelines together, the more ownership and commitment they will feel, as well as feeling a valuable member of the family and that their opinion and inputs are listened to.
Moreover, don’t wait for them to do something bad to come up with a rule. This would translate into a possibility to rebel against it again. Instead, share the rules regularly. Think ahead. For example, if you know your child is approaching the social, going out, and partying age, start talking about the rules about alcohol or curfew. Start explaining the rationale and the WHY behind each rule and ultimately state it in a way that benefits your kids. Tell them in such a way that they understand and can see these benefits to their personal life. This will make it easier for them to act within the rules/principles because they know it’s to their best interest. They will not feel they are being forced to comply just for the sake of it or because their parents are ‘rulers.’ Always remember to be natural, spontaneous, and on their level.
Be Consistent
Just like many other aspects of life, consistency is key. If you only mention something once, it will not stick. On the other hand, if you are consistent with the household rules, your child will naturally obey. There is less chance for questions or rebellion.
Consistency can be really tough. We know sometimes we get home after a day of hard work and we are tired, or we want to be the ‘cool’ parent every once in a while. But inconsistency shows him or her you’re not serious and that there is leeway with the house rules. The goal is for you to do everything in your power to ensure that even when they find themselves in situations where it could be easy to break the rules, they don’t, because they unconsciously, or even consciously, remember to the rules and follow them internally.
More importantly, be consistent with yourself. Be aware of your own actions all the time and make sure you are acting consistently with your own established family rules. Remember, you are their role models. The best way to set rules and to teach them right from wrong is by SHOWING them.
Supervise
Even though you can’t always have eyes on your children, there is always a way to supervise their behavior. Create connections with school teachers, other parents, and mentors. It is not about sneaking up on them or not trusting them, but rather to be alert and informed about when they might have fallen off the rails, and understand what we can do to help them.
Additionally, whenever you can, be there for them and support them. Kids like to feel safe. Especially the more defiant kids. They need to know there’s a safety net to counter the lack of control they feel internally. Therefore, offer your help in situations you think they might not want it. For example, drop them off or pick them up at parties, have the kids reunion at home, volunteer at school. Those are all ways to supervise more closely and show your kids you are there for them, decreasing the chance for them to do something they wouldn’t do at home.
Be careful though! You should try to refrain from ‘dictating’ and over-supervising. Rather than treating kids as younglings unable to make smart decisions, make them feel like mature adults. Guide them towards the right answers, actions, and decisions. Kids like to make decisions, feel responsible, and seem smart. Use powerful questions that helps them explore alternatives and consequences to each decision. You will be surprised that they can often reach the best logical conclusion for what they should do, or what they should be on their own. Therefore, because they reached conclusions by themselves, they are more likely act accordingly.
Five Parenting Mistakes To Be Aware Of That Can Cause Rebellion
Now that we have gone through the three things we should implement as parents to positively influence our kids and avoid rebellion, we should also look at the things we should avoid. There are five parenting mistakes you need to be aware of that can negatively impact your relationship and cause kids to react negatively such as talking back, sneaking out, hiding stuff, all signs of rebellion.
Overprotection
In today’s world, where people are more aware of violence, shootings, murders, child abduction, human trafficking, etc., parents want to be overprotective with their children. However, kids learn quickly if their parents are going to allow them to do certain things or not.
If your kids see their friends carrying out certain activities or going to places they know you will not allow them to go, they will start being secretive and rebellious. Not being able to do simple things they see their friends doing will cause them to question their parent’s authority when they see that their friends’ parents are not as overbearing.
Parents are the highest authority for their children. However, if they see you abusing that authority, they will start questioning your judgement and lose respect for your rules. Don’t be the parent who shelters your child to the point of rebellion. Use your judgement. If your child sees his friends skipping school and smoking, it is justified that you try to steer them away from that. However, just going to a regular hang out that you didn’t let them go for no obvious reason can cause rebellion. Always remember to be consistent and explain your reasoning behind decisions you take as their parents.
Being too relaxed and not asserting authority
This is basically the complete other side of the spectrum. Just like we do not want to be overprotective of our children, we don’t want to become seen as not caring or not assertive enough either. We still need to be a figure of authority while them closing up to us.
There is a big difference between being overprotective and not being protective at all. Be aware of that difference. You need to be a parent and educate your child on the house rules, the do’s and don’ts, and the consequences if they disobey. Do not be so concerned about your child agreeing with you at all times that you forget to protect them from a dangerous situation or one that can have a negative outcome for them.
Closed Communication
We always want our kids to share everything with us right? Well, kids copy the behaviors they observe. Therefore, if they feel you are not being open with them about your day-to-day, your struggles, and your personal life, they won’t be either. If you want your children to open up with you, you must also open up with them, and let them know they won’t be judged or punished for being the first to come to you with a problem. A loving relationship is a two-way street and requires open communication from all parties involved.
If you notice your child is going through an issue, open up a conversation. Share a time where you might have been in a similar situation. And instead of saying how you were strong and obeyed the rules, just because, tell them how you felt, the things that went through your mind, tell them about the internal struggle you had to break the rules, and even tell them about the time you actually made the mistake.
Starting the conversation with bringing yourself down to their level and showing them you understand can be the bridge to an open conversation about your child’s current situation. Don’t waste it!
Forbid them from doing something common
Sneaking out, alcohol, drugs, foregoing education. These are all things that might need to be forbidden. We get it. However, just like over-protection can cause your kids to rebel, over-forbidding can too.
Instead or forbidding something for them, talk openly about the pros and cons of everything. Tell them why you think those are not things that will impact them in a positive way. Share stories about times where you have seen the negative results of abusing certain things like alcohol. Allow them to understand the WHY, instead of forcing the DON’T onto them.
Rather than censoring your children from violence or wrong-doing, teach them the difference between right and wrong. This approach will yield more positive results in the long run and your kids won’t feel a difference among their peers.
Lack of Accountability
This mistake ties back to being too ‘cool’ and not assertive enough. Not holding them accountable for things like lying, stealing, skipping class, not doing homework, etc. can give your kids the message that rules are not enforced or do not entirely apply to them.
Similarly, always going to your kid’s rescue when they do something wrong can give them a sense of confidence that they can do whatever they want, and you will save them from the consequences. Therefore, allow your kids to take responsibility for their actions, whether it is in school or out in the real world. Allow them to see first-hand that their actions have real consequences. This will quickly teach them that they are in that situation because of the choices they made, choices that were probably against the house rules to begin with.
Children that are not held accountable by their parents early in life are often held accountable as adults later on, only by much less forgiving authority figures such as bosses, coworkers, friends, police officers, judges, etc. Don’t let them get to that point.
So what now?
Influencing our kids is all about teaching by example, making them feel involved and valued, treating them like mature young adults, letting them take responsibility for their actions, and showing them that they can trust you and rely on you for guidance and discipline.
We have presented three different ways we can make sure we are influencing our kids in a positive way: setting rules, being consistent, and supervising. In a way, they all work together and build on each other. First, know and set the rules you want your kids to follow, remember to include them in the decision making process, then be consistent by repeating those rules and enforcing them at home, and lastly, supervise they are actually following the rules and know when you need to step in to help them.
Furthermore, we also reviewed 5 different mistakes parents often make that could negatively influence our kids and cause rebellion:
- Overprotection
- Being too relaxed and not asserting authority
- Closed Communication
- Forbid them from doing something common
- Lack of Accountability
These are all things that we sometimes do thinking it is the best for our kids, when in reality, we can be doing more harm than good. We invite you to carefully review your tactics at home to implement and enforce rules, and try to see if you can apply these suggestions and avoid the mistakes.
Now, comment below if you think your child is experiencing signs of rebellion. Do you think you can use some of these tips to change that?
If you have gone through similar situations, what has worked for you in the past? Add to the discussion and share so that others can pitch in and learn from others’ experiences!
Resources
Esposito, Linda. “The Secret to Changing Rebellious Teens.” HuffPost. February 7, 2017. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-esposito-lcsw/the-secret-to-changing-rebelious-teens_b_4746228.html
Honeycutt, Brandon. “Ten Parenting Mistakes That Can Negatively Impact a Child’s Future.” https://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/ten-parenting-mistakes-that-can-negatively-impact-childs-future.html