Trust is the foundation of almost every relationship. Without parent-child trust, you run the risk of having your kids manifest various negative behaviors, like sneaking out at night, punching holes through walls, stealing money, or not keeping promises. These are all behaviors that can signal the level of trust in your relationship with your child. If your child is going through a phase like this, don’t worry, your relationship can be improved.
Children need to trust their parents, just like you need to trust your children. Trust creates open communication channels, it builds relationship bridges, provides security, identifies each person’s role in the relationship, and stimulates responsibility and caring.
The process of building trust starts as early as when the child is in the womb. Moms carry the child for months. Then when he or she is born, moms hold them, feed them, and talk to them. A child has already begun to have feelings like stability and predictability.
On the other hand, a father-child trustworthy relationship also begins when the child is born and is dependent on how engaged the father is in the early ages of the child.
If either a mother or a father is not emotionally or physically involved with their children, if they are unloving, or overly critical, this becomes a stumbling block for the establishment of trust. Children may not feel they are in a safe environment to be their true selves or to reveal their personal lives to their parents.
Ways to Build Trust
Now that we have established the importance of helping our children understand and build trustworthy relationships, what are some ways that we might be failing at doing so, many times, without noticing?
Trust is very important not only due to the benefits mentioned above, but also because, believe it or not, trust is not a natural reflex. Trust needs to be acquired. This is where parents come in, through their behavior, actions, and words. Consequently, this is the biggest reason why we might be doing it wrong without realizing it. We believe our children are going to trust us naturally, when in reality, we need to teach them and give them reasons to do so. We need to gain and earn their entire trust.
Naturally, as they begin to form the basic premise of what their relationship is, they might trust us for things like shelter, food, and clothing, but are we really making an effort to incentivize trust in other areas? Children, and specially teens, need to trust that their parents are going to be compassionate when they make a mistake. Understanding and considerate of their perspective. Aware of their situation. If you as a parent can demonstrate this to your child, they will come to you when they need someone to talk to or seeking help and advise.
More importantly, children need to trust that you make time for them whenever they need it. That you will spend quality time with them and not pass them over for work or other grown up responsibilities. If they sense they are not important enough, that is when they start drifting away and losing trust.
They need to trust mom and dad will encourage them to pursuit their dreams, and that they can share those with them. They need to trust that we will ask them about their life and be honestly interested. For example, they need to trust that we will have family dinners constantly where they will be able to share their daily lives, their wins and their struggles, and we will be actively listening instead of being on the computer, TV, or on our phones.
Last but not least, they need to trust their home is a safe environment. One that is hostility-free. One where they can be themselves. One where they know they will get disciplined in a mature and adult-like manner.
All these things may seem little, but they are the essential building blocks for family trust.
Are we sure we are doing all of these the right way?
Are our children talking openly with us? Sharing their daily stories?
Are our children coming home happy and feeling safe?
Are our children using the time they have with us to create memories, ask for advice, and spend quality time together?
How may you be approaching trust wrong?
Are they coming home to their rooms and not sharing details about their day? Just a simple “it was good mom.”
Do they seem bored at home? Do they prefer to be outside?
Would they rather spend time alone or with their peers than some time with you, the parents?
We understand this might be usual teenage behavior, but it is important to be aware of small signs like these ones. Don’t underestimate the power of communication. Our teenage kids can be open with us, while also feeling ‘cool’.
Finally, you should never forget that trust is a two-way channel. You cannot expect transparent communication from your children if you are not being open and transparent yourself. Children are intelligent beings that can realize the parents are not sharing everything with them and thus not create any level of trust. Work to be the trust role model you and your partner need to be for your kids.
We just need to practice these trust exercises and always be on the lookout for more opportunities where we can show our kids they can trust us!
Wrap it up!
Trust is essential for every relationship. However, trust is not a natural reflex or human instinct, it is something that needs to be learned through the different relationships an individual is exposed to. Therefore, it is important that their first and family relationships, the ones with their parents, have a strong trustworthy bond.
If there is no trust, our children can start developing unusual behaviors like lying, stealing, or sneaking out.
To avoid these issues, we, the parents, need to show them they can trust us at every stage of their lives. There are multiple everyday situations where we can show them they can trust us that we might be missing.
- Make time for them, without sharing that time with work, your phone, or the TV.
- Ask about their day, actively listen and provide honest feedback.
- Don’t jump to conclusions when they make a mistake, let them share their side of their story and understand the reasoning behind their actions.
Once they realize they can feel safe at home and with us, this will translate into having trust in other relationships, and even trusting themselves and feeling confident with who they are and their life decisions.
Our only hope is that by doing this, they will grow into more confident and successful individuals. People whom others will be able to rely on and who will always want to come back to you to share time, experiences, and ask for advice.
Resources
“Trust and the Parent-Child Relationship.” Northwestern Publishing House. December 6, 2016. http://blog.nph.net/trust-and-the-parent-child-relationship/
Pejakovic, Ivana. “6 Steps to Building Trust in Your Parent-Child Relationship.” Noomii: The Professional Coach Directory. September 5, 2011. https://www.noomii.com/articles/1183-6-steps-to-building-trust-in-your-parentchild-relationship